June 8 – a new ‘new normal’?

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

— Arundhati Roy


As I write, there are two obvious stories appearing in the daily newspapers and over social media, although if you are reading this from elsewhere in the world, this may not be the same for you.  In the UK, the current twin focuses of attention are the ongoing SARS CoV-2 pandemic and the protests in the USA following the killing of George Floyd at the hands of the police. 

Although these stories seem to be separate, there is a key link. 

In the UK, the Centre for Evidence-Based Medicine (CEBM) at the University of Oxford has shown that the number of deaths per 10 000 people is over twice as high for black people than white Europeans, with other ethnicities having different levels of risk.  At present it is not known whether there is a physiological or socio-economic reason for this, or a mix of both. Continue reading

Weavers, a poem…

In times to come it will be proclaimed
by skalds*

The spring we came together
from being apart

Watching the flowers grow
outside of our windows

And our children grow
inside

When we gathered the scraps of humanity
and wove a blanket out of kindness

Wrapping it around the whole world
to the moon and back

Until we all fell asleep under its warmth
and soft smell

Of jasmine.

blanket

*a skald is a medieval Norse poet and story teller (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skald)

May 4 – May life

Leave the door open for the unknown, the door into the dark. That’s where the most important things come from, where you yourself came from, and where you will go.

― Rebecca Solnit, A Field Guide to Getting Lost 


The eagle-eyed among you might have spotted there were no blog posts last week. I was both sick and preparing for helping to run a day long Zen retreat.

So, today’s offering is more of an update on various things than about any one subject, on the basis that we are one third of the way through what is, to all intents and purposes, a pretty unusual year.

1. Zen Retreat

Yesterday, my Zen community hosted an online day of Sesshin (retreat) consisting of Zazen (meditation), Kinhin (walking meditation), Oryoki (ritual eating), Samu (work periods) and ceremony, including ceremony for all those who have lost their lives to SARS CoV-2.  I led practice sessions on Zoom from 7am to 12pm which was lovely although tiring for someone with ME to get up that early.  Since I only fell asleep around 1am and woke just before 5am, my energy reserves were running low.  However, all went well, and the retreat continued after me for the remainder of the day.  I slept for the afternoon and then 8pm to 10am yesterday morning. Continue reading

April 20 – a new normal

From star to star, from sun and spring and leaf,
And almost audible flowers whose sound is silence,
And in the common meadows, springs the seed of life.

Now the lilies open, and the rose
Released by summer from the harmless graves
That, centuries deep, are in the air we breathe,
And in our earth, and in our daily bread.

External and innate dimensions hold
The living forms, but not the force of life;
For that interior and holy tree
That in the heart of hearts outlives the world
Spreads earthly shade into eternity.

— Kathleen Raine ‘Seed’


When I first became chronically ill, in late 1995, it was a huge period of adjustment. My life rapidly changed from the typical pattern of working and socialising of a 20-something year old person and turned into a seemingly endless period of convalescence punctuated by medical appointments and treatments.

However, during the early period of transitioning from the life of a healthy person to the life of a sick one there is, alongside the fear and anxiety, a focus on adjusting and learning, with so much new information to take on. There tends to be a lot of medical interest and input at those early stages and care and compassion from friends and family.

Continue reading

April 16 – spring growth

O
Out of a bed of love
When that immortal hospital made one more move to soothe
The cureless counted body,
And ruin and his causes
Over the barbed and shooting sea assumed an army
And swept into our wounds and houses,
I climb to greet the war in which I have no heart but only
That one dark I owe my light,
Call for confessor and wiser mirror but there is none
To glow after the god stoning night
And I am struck as lonely as a holy marker by the sun.

No
Praise that the spring time is all
Gabriel and radiant shrubbery as the morning grows joyful
Out of the woebegone pyre
And the multitude’s sultry tear turns cool on the weeping wall,
My arising prodigal
Sun the father his quiver full of the infants of pure fire,
But blessed be hail and upheaval
That uncalm still it is sure alone to stand and sing
Alone in the husk of man’s home
And the mother and toppling house of the holy spring,
If only for a last time.

— DylanThomas ‘Holy Spring’


It is now mid-April, and spring is well underway. I heard the first bee of the year yesterday, as it hummed busily past my window, and leaves are rapidly greening the birch tree just outside.

In many ways it seems odd that nature is continuing as usual while we struggle with what is going on in the human world, but why would it be otherwise? Spring is nothing more than a continuation of the cycle of life and death, a cycle which very much includes the outbreak of new strains of disease. What is currently happening to human beings has been experienced by countless other species before and doubtless will do again. We are not special but just another part of the biological struggle to exist and propagate ourselves. Continue reading

April 13 – every day is a good day

In Japan there is a phrase Nichi nichi kore kōnichi which broadly translates as ‘every day is a good day’.  Klingons prefer Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam (today is a good day to die) which probably needs a long run up and mouthful of phlegm to do it justice, as well as a decent dose of warrior spirit!

Mostly I prefer the first, but with the current situation as it is, you would be forgiven for any reflections you may be having on mortality.

Continue reading

April 9 – illness in the time of illness

I have written here, and elsewhere, that the current pandemic has left my life relatively unaffected, being as it is that I have been confined to my house for around five years already.  This mostly remains true, at least externally.

.However, like many other people, I have been watching large amounts of news and reading articles and reports on the SARS CoV-2 crisis and its spread around the world, watching how each country is reacting and the effect that has on its own citizens, and trying to help others deal emotionally with what is going on.

As my pre-existing health condition worsens, I can feel myself having fewer emotional resources to deal with the extra information, and for the increase in online activity that seems to have understandably happened in response to it.

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April 6 – sky gazing

What were the skies like when you were young?
They went on forever and they, when I, we lived in Arizona
And the skies always had little fluffy clouds

The Orb, Little Fluffy Clouds (Adventures Beyond the Ultraworld, 1991)


From my long experience of chronic illness, I know the psychological impact of being confined indoors for extended periods of time.  I guess it would be more accurate to say that I know the psychological impacts on me, but many of the mental changes that I have experienced are shared with others in a similar situation.  With the current lockdown in response to the SARS CoV-2 pandemic, the effects of confinement on the general population are becoming increasingly noticeable.

While it is true to say that not everyone reacts in the same way to being kept inside, cabin fever is a well-known phenomenon, with the characteristic presence of irritability and restlessness.  I imagine many people are currently experiencing this, or noticing it in their partner, or others they are with in self-isolation/resting-in-place.

One of the things I have noticed about being shut indoors for long periods of time is that my mind becomes more closed in, more insular.  While the internet does give me access to the world outside of my door, I tend to stop thinking of life outside of my immediate vicinity. 

Continue reading

April 1 – beautiful future

No rights were ever given to us by the grace of God
No rights were ever given by some United Nations clause
No rights were ever given by some nice guy at the top
Our rights they were bought by all the blood
And all the tears of all our
Grandmothers, grandfathers before

— New Model Army, My Country (No Rest for the Wicked, 1985)


At present I am seeing a lot of posts on social media about what will happen after the current pandemic is over.  Given my friendship group, many are highly optimistic, predicting that this period of enforced isolation will give people time to reflect on what is most important to them and learning that they can live without many things they thought they could not, such as foreign travel, pasta and toilet paper. 

I would love to think this will be case but am nervous of making such bold statements as I remember what happened with the UK fuel crisis in 2012 which saw people queuing tens of cars deep at petrol stations for access to the limited supply on offer.  At that time, I heard many statements that it would be a wake-up call to how dependent we are on fossil fuels, particularly oil from the Middle East.  However, as soon as the crisis was over, it was quickly forgotten, and people carried on exactly as before.

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March 30 – the adjustment bureau

City black, encase the time
World full of men, who all are blind
Who walk and talk and say as one
“Androids are we, heir to no son”

Adjust me
Adjust me
Adjust me
Adjust me

— Hawkwind, Adjust Me (In Search of Space, 1971)


This new situation is requiring adjustments from all of us.  Some people are finding peace and creativity in an unexpected period of time in isolation, whereas others are overwhelmed by suddenly having energetic school age children home 24/7 or near total separation from the joyful contact with family and friends.  Older people, especially those with the pre-existing conditions we are hearing so much about, may be understandably scared.

It is often the case that when people are beset by hardship, there can be a tendency to attribute that to personal moral failings.  Here that is more difficult to do, since a global pandemic is hardly a personal failing, but instead the degree to which a person is coping with the situation as it currently is can be judged how that reflects on their spiritual or moral fibre.

Homeschooling with all the kids sitting neatly and not arguing or throwing pencils


Continue reading