April 20 – a new normal

From star to star, from sun and spring and leaf,
And almost audible flowers whose sound is silence,
And in the common meadows, springs the seed of life.

Now the lilies open, and the rose
Released by summer from the harmless graves
That, centuries deep, are in the air we breathe,
And in our earth, and in our daily bread.

External and innate dimensions hold
The living forms, but not the force of life;
For that interior and holy tree
That in the heart of hearts outlives the world
Spreads earthly shade into eternity.

— Kathleen Raine ‘Seed’


When I first became chronically ill, in late 1995, it was a huge period of adjustment. My life rapidly changed from the typical pattern of working and socialising of a 20-something year old person and turned into a seemingly endless period of convalescence punctuated by medical appointments and treatments.

However, during the early period of transitioning from the life of a healthy person to the life of a sick one there is, alongside the fear and anxiety, a focus on adjusting and learning, with so much new information to take on. There tends to be a lot of medical interest and input at those early stages and care and compassion from friends and family.

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April 16 – spring growth

O
Out of a bed of love
When that immortal hospital made one more move to soothe
The cureless counted body,
And ruin and his causes
Over the barbed and shooting sea assumed an army
And swept into our wounds and houses,
I climb to greet the war in which I have no heart but only
That one dark I owe my light,
Call for confessor and wiser mirror but there is none
To glow after the god stoning night
And I am struck as lonely as a holy marker by the sun.

No
Praise that the spring time is all
Gabriel and radiant shrubbery as the morning grows joyful
Out of the woebegone pyre
And the multitude’s sultry tear turns cool on the weeping wall,
My arising prodigal
Sun the father his quiver full of the infants of pure fire,
But blessed be hail and upheaval
That uncalm still it is sure alone to stand and sing
Alone in the husk of man’s home
And the mother and toppling house of the holy spring,
If only for a last time.

— DylanThomas ‘Holy Spring’


It is now mid-April, and spring is well underway. I heard the first bee of the year yesterday, as it hummed busily past my window, and leaves are rapidly greening the birch tree just outside.

In many ways it seems odd that nature is continuing as usual while we struggle with what is going on in the human world, but why would it be otherwise? Spring is nothing more than a continuation of the cycle of life and death, a cycle which very much includes the outbreak of new strains of disease. What is currently happening to human beings has been experienced by countless other species before and doubtless will do again. We are not special but just another part of the biological struggle to exist and propagate ourselves. Continue reading

April 13 – every day is a good day

In Japan there is a phrase Nichi nichi kore kōnichi which broadly translates as ‘every day is a good day’.  Klingons prefer Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam (today is a good day to die) which probably needs a long run up and mouthful of phlegm to do it justice, as well as a decent dose of warrior spirit!

Mostly I prefer the first, but with the current situation as it is, you would be forgiven for any reflections you may be having on mortality.

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April 9 – illness in the time of illness

I have written here, and elsewhere, that the current pandemic has left my life relatively unaffected, being as it is that I have been confined to my house for around five years already.  This mostly remains true, at least externally.

.However, like many other people, I have been watching large amounts of news and reading articles and reports on the SARS CoV-2 crisis and its spread around the world, watching how each country is reacting and the effect that has on its own citizens, and trying to help others deal emotionally with what is going on.

As my pre-existing health condition worsens, I can feel myself having fewer emotional resources to deal with the extra information, and for the increase in online activity that seems to have understandably happened in response to it.

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April 6 – sky gazing

What were the skies like when you were young?
They went on forever and they, when I, we lived in Arizona
And the skies always had little fluffy clouds

The Orb, Little Fluffy Clouds (Adventures Beyond the Ultraworld, 1991)


From my long experience of chronic illness, I know the psychological impact of being confined indoors for extended periods of time.  I guess it would be more accurate to say that I know the psychological impacts on me, but many of the mental changes that I have experienced are shared with others in a similar situation.  With the current lockdown in response to the SARS CoV-2 pandemic, the effects of confinement on the general population are becoming increasingly noticeable.

While it is true to say that not everyone reacts in the same way to being kept inside, cabin fever is a well-known phenomenon, with the characteristic presence of irritability and restlessness.  I imagine many people are currently experiencing this, or noticing it in their partner, or others they are with in self-isolation/resting-in-place.

One of the things I have noticed about being shut indoors for long periods of time is that my mind becomes more closed in, more insular.  While the internet does give me access to the world outside of my door, I tend to stop thinking of life outside of my immediate vicinity. 

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April 4 – dinner with didgeridoos

Time present and time past
Are perhaps both contained in time future,
And time future is contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.

— T S Eliot, from Burnt Norton


So, one day my friend Jacqui found some didgeridoo players and invited them for dinner.

I should probably back up a little.

In 1995 I lived and worked In Zurich and my friend and colleague Claire shared a house with a fellow biologist, Dr Jacqui Shykoff, a native of Canada who had completed her PhD at the University of Basel and now worked at the Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule (ETH) Zürich (Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich) studying plant fungal diseases.

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April 1 – beautiful future

No rights were ever given to us by the grace of God
No rights were ever given by some United Nations clause
No rights were ever given by some nice guy at the top
Our rights they were bought by all the blood
And all the tears of all our
Grandmothers, grandfathers before

— New Model Army, My Country (No Rest for the Wicked, 1985)


At present I am seeing a lot of posts on social media about what will happen after the current pandemic is over.  Given my friendship group, many are highly optimistic, predicting that this period of enforced isolation will give people time to reflect on what is most important to them and learning that they can live without many things they thought they could not, such as foreign travel, pasta and toilet paper. 

I would love to think this will be case but am nervous of making such bold statements as I remember what happened with the UK fuel crisis in 2012 which saw people queuing tens of cars deep at petrol stations for access to the limited supply on offer.  At that time, I heard many statements that it would be a wake-up call to how dependent we are on fossil fuels, particularly oil from the Middle East.  However, as soon as the crisis was over, it was quickly forgotten, and people carried on exactly as before.

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March 30 – the adjustment bureau

City black, encase the time
World full of men, who all are blind
Who walk and talk and say as one
“Androids are we, heir to no son”

Adjust me
Adjust me
Adjust me
Adjust me

— Hawkwind, Adjust Me (In Search of Space, 1971)


This new situation is requiring adjustments from all of us.  Some people are finding peace and creativity in an unexpected period of time in isolation, whereas others are overwhelmed by suddenly having energetic school age children home 24/7 or near total separation from the joyful contact with family and friends.  Older people, especially those with the pre-existing conditions we are hearing so much about, may be understandably scared.

It is often the case that when people are beset by hardship, there can be a tendency to attribute that to personal moral failings.  Here that is more difficult to do, since a global pandemic is hardly a personal failing, but instead the degree to which a person is coping with the situation as it currently is can be judged how that reflects on their spiritual or moral fibre.

Homeschooling with all the kids sitting neatly and not arguing or throwing pencils


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March 27 – finding stillness

Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.
Breathing in, this is my in-breath.
Breathing out, this is my out-breath.

— Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist Monk


I don’t know about you but my mind has been whirring lately, trying to take in all of the information about the current pandemic, and thinking about how best to protect my family and the world at large.  Also, what is the best way to kill a corona virus zombie?  My guess is a mixture of hand sanitiser and cutting the head off but that is purely speculation at this point.

My daily relief from this situation is through meditation, just letting myself sit with no goal other than just to sit, allowing my thoughts to do what they wish without grasping onto them. Continue reading

March 23 – not knowing

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

— Tao Te Ching 15 (translation by Stephen Mitchell)


Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.

— T S Eliot, from ‘Burnt Norton’


One of the three marks of existence identified by the Buddha is anicca – impermanence.  Nothing ever stays the same, although it may appear so for a time.

Human beings are mostly quite discomforted by this and generally prefer things to stay pretty much as they are, aside from minor alterations that they are either in control of themselves, or otherwise approve of.

When something like a global pandemic occurs, things are thrown up in the air in such a manner that human discomfortude (real word but don’t check!) is either turned up to 11, or we pretend that somehow everything is normal and everyone else is unnecessarily panicking (as the old rewrite of Kipling goes, “If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs, you probably haven’t understood the situation”).

You may have felt, and noticed, that people are reacting to the spread of SARS Cov-2 in different ways, but mostly these ways have one thing in common – they are an attempt to regain control of the situation.

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